On Ritual Etiquette

Ok, I know I said I wasn’t going to cover beginner topics here. However, ritual etiquette is not just important for newbies. Us “eld” folk can often use a reminder on what we should be doing and why we should be doing it. So my thoughts on various dimensions of ritual etiquette, in no particular order…

“Pagan Standard Time” is Bullshit

If you’ve never heard of the concept, “pagan standard time” is the idea that the ritual/workshop/whatnot starts when everyone finally shows up. It’s a huge peeve of mine because I find it incredibly disrespectful. If you say you’re going to start ritual at 6pm, then everyone should be ready to start by 6pm, whether they are a brand new beginner you’re meeting for the first time, the High Priest, or the founder of your tradition.

Sure, shit does happen. People lose track of time, someone needs to run down to the 7-11 to pick up cookies for Cakes and Ale at the last minute, the host’s computer crashes right before the virtual workshop. Such is life, and if you have a way to completely eliminate the forces of chaos from your life, I’d love to hear it.

What I’m talking to is the idea that it’s OK to be irresponsible because… well, people give a lot of bullshit reasons for this. Time flows differently between the worlds, pagans don’t like rules, pagans don’t like to be organized, “I’m here to socialize”, “I’ve been in this group for 30 years and how dare you herd me along”, etc etc.

It’s not OK to be irresponsible and disrespectful.

And Elders need to set the example. Be on time, apologize when shit causes delays, and do your best to not fall into the same trap twice. Don’t be the High Priestess smoking on the porch while everyone else is tapping their toes waiting next to the altar for you to appear.

Be Prepared

Get all your ducks in a row prior to the event starting time. Send out (or download) workshop material. Gather your tools, have your ritual clothes at hand (or make arrangements to borrow something). If your event is outdoors, be sure to check the weather prior to setting up for the event so you’ve got what you need on hand to deal with that. Do your Windows updates before you log on to Zoom to host that workshop. Make sure attendees have a way to get ahold of you in the hours before an event in case there is a question or concern. (And attendees, make sure you USE that method of communication to get ahold of someone in the hours before an event!)

Look, I know organizing isn’t creative, fun, cool, or magical. But it’s something that must be done if you want to have a good time. Event organizers and ritual leaders have an obligation not only to model the behavior they want to see in students, trainees, or attendees, but also to herd the cats. If you only want to show up for the cool witchy shit after someone else has already done all the organizing, that’s fine… just don’t volunteer to organize.

At the same time, attendees (and even beginners!) have some obligations to be prepared. If the information on what you need to do to be prepared isn’t easy to find, contact someone to get it. It’s no fun to show up to an event only to find that you’re the only person without a robe, or who hasn’t done the required pathworking to meet Isis, or the event is outdoors and you don’t have the proper clothing to deal with the weather. In a perfect world, event organizers would always make this info easy to find, but shit happens. Be proactive in seeking the info you need.

Following Norms, Except when you Shouldn’t

Every group has its norms. In my coven work, we are expected to wear robes for ritual. When I attend rituals at Cedarlight Grove, we are expected to dress for the weather as rituals are usually held outdoors. Some groups restrict clothing or jewelry… everyone must wear plain black robes, or only the High Priestess can wear amber jewelry, for some examples. Some groups work skyclad (nude). Some groups have very strict rules about who can attend what types of events and have access to what types of information.

Whatever the group’s norms are, one should follow them. As long as they make sense.

What about when they don’t make sense?

I recently had a conversation with another Elder in the Amber Rose tradition about the notion one must have their hair unbound in ritual. I will confess that I have no idea why this is a part of the tradition’s ritual etiquette, but whatever the original reasoning was, I don’t think it makes a lot of sense now.

Why? Well, let’s start with the practical. I have long hair. I’ve done plenty of ritual work outdoors with my hair in a ponytail. Didn’t hinder me getting into a ritual mindset, nor did it hinder my raising and channeling of magical energies.

But let’s go a little further. What about hair styles that don’t lend themselves to an easy unbinding? Dreadlocks, twists, cornrows, braids… should someone with elaborate hair be forced to pick all that out in ritual space? (Assuming it would be possible to pick all that out without damaging their hair.) If my scrunchee doesn’t hinder my own magical work, I can’t imagine dreadlocks would, either.

And that isn’t even addressing the potential subtext that people of color might not feel welcome in your group because they’d be unwilling or unable to destroy their chosen hairstyle, or folks who might want or need to cover their heads. Do I think this nugget of etiquette was adopted as some sort of gatekeeping? Not for a minute. But as the demographics of paganism change, our norms might need to change, too.

Elders, Teachers, Group Leaders… be sure what you’re telling your students and trainees makes fucking sense, OK? Don’t just tell them to do something. Explain why you want them to do so, and be open to their questioning. They may come at things from a different angle that has you rethinking the purpose of a norm. Or maybe not, but everyone would benefit from the discussion. Knowing why one should do something, buying into whatever practice is in question, strengthens the practice in the end.

As I’m writing this, I’m starting to realize that someone could probably write an entire book on ritual etiquette, and maybe someone has. I will definitely do a follow up post at some point on the limitations (or lack thereof) of raising and channeling magical energy, and I’d like to do a deeper dive into ritual clothing/practicing skyclad. For now, I’ll leave you with one last point:

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

All of the above points could be folded into this one, if you wanted to get really basic. If you want people to continue to run events, you must respect their time and energy. Showing up prepared and on time are two ways of doing this. Respecting what they’ve asked in terms of group norms during an event is another one.

Things I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell people, new or old, but experience has taught me that I really must…

Follow the mundane rules of the location of an event. Respect the host’s property (including not grabbing shit off altars without permission). Park where you’re asked to park. Bring what you’re asked to bring. Don’t bring shit you aren’t supposed to bring (including guests to events without asking permission, unless you already know it’s a completely open event). If you have dietary issues (or if, like my husband, you are an insanely picky eater), bring food you know you can eat.

Mute yourself during virtual events except when you are directly participating in the event (and are asked to unmute). Download conferencing software ahead of time and don’t expect the event host to be your Personal IT Guy. Don’t pass along links to virtual events without permission, unless you already know it’s a completely open event. Mute your cell phone.

Respect others’ boundaries. Advocate your own boundaries. If you need special accommodation, ask for it ahead of time (and understand that it may not always be possible to accommodate). A group may be able to find a space that’s ADA compliant to accommodate an attendee in a wheelchair if they have plenty of advance notice, but probably not the day of (or when someone in a wheelchair shows up at the door).

Remember all those skills you learned in Kindergarten about sharing and listening… you know, don’t eat all the food, don’t monopolize all the conversations, don’t bring drama from other groups into play, and be careful about talking politics or dissing other religions. Pagans are diverse in their political affiliations and beliefs, and most of us have loved ones who practice other faiths. I once made a quip about Jehovah’s Witness in mixed company and was pretty embarassed to find out that one of the other folks at the party was, in fact, Jehovah’s Witness. Yes, I did apologize for putting my foot in my mouth.

Basically, don’t be a dick.

Did I miss something? Is there a ritual etiquette topic I should explore in more depth? Post in the comments!